Kings And Queens In Medieval Europe

Let’s talk about kings and queens. Not the boring ones from textbooks. I mean the real Medieval weirdos who wore fur, fought in mud, and once had a royal pet giraffe. These people were wild.

The Crown Was Heavy (and Itched)

Being a Medieval monarch wasn’t all feasts and jousting. The crown was literally heavy—some weighed over five pounds. Imagine wearing a chunky gold helmet all day.

Your neck would ache. Your head would sweat. And you couldn’t scratch it without looking like a goofball.

They also had to sleep in cold stone castles. No central heating. Just rats and drafty tapestries. Fancy, huh?

King Who Wasn’t Into “Kinging”

Take King Charles VI of France. He thought he was made of glass. Seriously. He wore reinforced clothes so he wouldn’t shatter if someone bumped into him.

He also didn’t let anyone touch him. Imagine being his wife. “Honey, can I hold your hand?” “No! You’ll crack me!” Totally normal royal behavior.

Yet he still ruled for 42 years. Glass king, solid reign.

Queen Who Brought the Drama

Then there’s Eleanor of Aquitaine. She was the original boss queen. Married to two different kings—first the King of France, then the King of England.

She led armies, went on a crusade dressed as an Amazon, and had 10 kids. Her ex-husband was so mad he tried to kidnap her. She laughed about it.

Her motto? “I do what I want.” And she did. For 82 years.

Royal Hygiene (Spoiler: Gross)

Medieval kings didn’t shower daily. They bathed maybe once a month—and that was considered fancy. They used rosewater to cover the smell.

Client Challenge | Medieval class structure, Feudalism pyramid

Queen Elizabeth I of England (a bit later, but still) famously said she bathed once a month, “whether I need it or no.” That was luxury.

Most kings just wore perfume. Lots of it. Imagine court meetings smelling like sweat and lavender. Yikes.

The Great Toilet Story

Castles had “garderobes”—basically stone toilets that dropped waste straight into the moat. Yes, the moat you swam in for fun.

King Henry III had a special velvet cushion for his toilet seat. Royal pooping, elevated.

And if you visited a castle? You used a bucket. No privacy. Just the sound of everyone else doing the same. Charming.

Funny Laws and Strange Hobbies

Medieval kings made weird rules. King Canute tried to command the tide to stop. He failed. Soaked feet, great story.

King Richard the Lionheart preferred fighting to paperwork. He spent only six months of his ten-year reign in England. The rest? War, crusades, and getting captured for ransom.

His brother John was the opposite—mean, greedy, and terrible at ruling. King John lost the crown jewels in a marsh. Literally. Oops.

King And Queen Middle Ages

Royal Pets (Not What You Think)

King Henry I kept a menagerie of exotic animals. His favorite? A porcupine. He’d feed it apples by hand. Probably got pricked daily.

Queen consort Isabella of France had a pet lion. She’d walk it through the palace on a leash. Talk about a power move.

And King James IV of Scotland once gave a queen a pet polar bear. It fished in the river. The bear. Fishing. Like a royal dog.

Is This Really History?

You bet. Medieval Europe was not boring. It was weird, stinky, and full of people who thought they were glass, wore crowns that hurt, and pooped into moats.

But here’s the kicker: these kings and queens shaped our world. The borders, the languages, the stories we tell. They were ridiculous—but also powerful.

And they loved a good feast. One medieval king’s banquet had six courses of meat, including peacock served in its own feathers. Show off.

Why Bother Learning This?

Because history is people. And people are hilarious. Learning about a king who thought he was a wolf (yes, that happened) makes you see the past as alive, not dead.

Next time you watch a fantasy show, remember: the real kings were crazier. No magic needed. Just a crown, a bad back, and a pet lion.

So raise a goblet to the kings and queens. They were messy, smelly, and glorious. Just like us—but with way more gold.